Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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