I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
