Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
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Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
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DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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