Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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