R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
