Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
