Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
