He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
