I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
