I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
