if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
