i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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