We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
