i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
