either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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