dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
