oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
