I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
