if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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