So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
