Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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