My sheets look like a crime scene.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
