Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
