Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
