She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
