Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
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as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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