her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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