I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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