this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
