The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
