she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
