Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
