Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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