Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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