I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
