I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
