i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize