we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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