I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
