Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
