when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Pants are for mortals
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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