are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He better not be in your backpack
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
