The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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