video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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