Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
