He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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