I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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