Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
