Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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