last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
