Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
