A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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