I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
