im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
