I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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